


the pains, they come and go

by politicalmamaduck



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Headaches & Migraines, Headcanon, Pain, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2016-03-15
Packaged: 2018-05-26 19:14:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6252133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/politicalmamaduck/pseuds/politicalmamaduck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Young Ben Solo doesn't understand why he's in so much pain. Kylo Ren understands all too well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the pains, they come and go

He is little, when the pains start.

Perhaps not more than seven or eight years of age.

He wakes up, after a restless night in which he is unable to turn off his thoughts, his _feelings_ , to a blinding pain centered behind his right eye.

His vision is blurred, he feels sick to his stomach, and he is afraid.

 

_Fear leads to anger._

_Anger leads to hate._

_Hate leads to suffering._

The path to the dark side, as every Jedi knows.

 

Ben is not a Jedi yet.

Ben is terrified.

Ben is in pain, and cannot even call out to his mother or father, because his head is spinning ( _or is the room spinning_?) and he cannot move a muscle.

 

The pains in his head continue, off and on, for years. He deals with it as best he can, having to explain over and over again that he just has a lot of headaches. He hides in a dark room, a pillow over his head, struggling to contain hot tears that sear his skin and somehow make it all the worse for his inability to contain them. He can’t seem to contain, to _control_ , anything. Not his tears, not his thoughts, not his emotions.

 

Ben is broken, and he knows it, and he cannot let anyone else know it.

 

Ben is older when he learns that this is considered a neurological problem, an abnormality in the brain.

Another failure, another weakness.

Ben has never been strong.

His hands shake as he struggles to complete yet another task Uncle Luke has set for him.

 

The pain in his head is splitting, and he lashes out at everything around him, unable to think. He cannot see straight, he cannot think straight, and he sure as hell cannot control the Force at this particular moment.

The room in which he is standing looks as if a thermal detonator went off in it, and Ben hears an eerie cackle in the back of his brain, saying _good, use your aggressive feelings, boy; let the hate flow through you_.

 

Ben knows he is alone, and yet he knows he is not. There has always been someone else at the back of his mind when he has these pains, even though it is not always the same voice. Sometimes the voice is soothing, seductive even, offering him everything of which he had ever dreamed. Sometimes the voice cackles, puissant, imposing, taunting him.

It is when he hears the voice when he is at peace, meditating, in control, _not in pain_ that he is afraid the most.

 

Ben Solo was afraid.

Kylo Ren is not.

 

Ben Solo could hide his physical weaknesses from his parents, from everyone.

The Supreme Leader knows perfectly well how to exploit and weaken his apprentice.

 

Kylo Ren collapses in his quarters on the _Finalizer_ , hands shaking, gasping for breath, barely able to undo the catches on his mask before he feels like he has to retch.

His failure would not be tolerated, and he could not tolerate the pain.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and constructive feedback always appreciated.  
> I had a horrific migraine and it served as the inspiration for this...  
> Many thanks as always to my beta boo, Desiree, for always encouraging me.  
> You can find me on tumblr at politicalmamaduck.tumblr.com!


End file.
